remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
