That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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