im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
