On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize