I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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