and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
