don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
