Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
