I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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