He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There's always time for handjobs
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
