Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
