When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
be right there i have to get my cape
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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