Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
