I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
