....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize