Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
