I showed him my bush... on skype.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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