And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
