woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
