I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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