just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
