Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
