its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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