Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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