I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
