i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
