so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
