help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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