she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
