I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
it hurts more in the daytime
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
