Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
