Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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