I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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