I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
