So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
