when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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