Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
