i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
