Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We are all done wearing pants today
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize