o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
