god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize