I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
