cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
