How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
