Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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