hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
