My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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