I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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