he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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