i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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