Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
time to smoke my breakfast
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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