Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
