She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
no, he came in my armpit
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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