She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
