While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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