Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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