If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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