my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
